April 3, 1999

Anon! To the John

Not being able the find a public bathroom when you need one can be a real pain in the ass. Unfortunately, this is an inconvenience which most of us suffer all too frequently. One way to remedy this uncomfortable condition might be to start up a nationwide chain of public restrooms. Such a welcome form of abdominal relief could be appropriately christened with a variety of catchy names--Johnny Across America, Johnny On the Pot, Potty Time, to name just a few. This traveling trail of toilets could be established across the country as a chain of comfort stations sensitively geared to accommodate the varying financial means and personal tastes of its clientele. Customers could access the restroom of their choice quickly and easily via a system of credit cards: a Brass John Card admits you to a deluxe model, a Copper John Card to a standard variety, and a Porcelain John Card to an economy option. Municipalities across the country would have to create a new designation in their land use planning and zoning regulations–a "John Zone". Accompanying the gallery of toilets in each Zone, there would be a small retail store similar to a shopping club but this would be a John’s Club. To assure the highest standards of cleanliness in the John Zone, the "John’s Club" would be well-stocked with favorite bathroom sundries. Customers could also purchase their Brass, Copper, or Porcelain John Cards at John’s Club. People with nervous stomachs could purchase all three. As an additional amenity, each John Zone would offer one free pot for cheap shits. At Christmas and Chanukah John Club members could offer friends and family John’s Club Gift certificates for use on the John or to buy supplies for the John. John’s Club is really as American as apple pie and prunes. Why American John manufacturers have not thought of this approach before is not clear. Zoning and environment may have been holding them back but with an aging population, the public John is fast becoming a necessity that we cannot do without. It is time to "seize the John." Investment in the John would clearly be a shitty investment that carries with it all the same risks as other business investments, but it may be well worth the effort.   James C. Benerofe Editorial #16 April 3, 1999